I Do Not Feel Safe

I Run!

I still pretty consistently default to running from my emotions. I think most of us run from our emotions in different ways.

I run from my emotions by keeping busy… as I write this post I am running from a few big scary emotions/feelings/sensations that have surfaced this week that I have not felt safe to sit and process yet. I actually not sure how to label the emotions yet. My body just felt off as the emotions came up, as I was activated… I have been running since then. Anger is the only clear emotion I can discern as it’s the default way I protect the part of me that is activated.

There are other coping strategies, but since about 3 years old, my coping strategy has been busy. If I’m busy, I am productive, and that is praised. Being praised fills me with positive feelings, even if only for a few minutes before I am back to running from the uncomfortable emotion/feeling/sensation.

I typically would just keep running until something unexpected disarms me to release the scary emotion. Or I run myself down and then the emotion can release because I don’t have the energy to hold it in anymore.

Emotions that we had negative experiences with when we were young are likely the emotions you run from as an adult.

These emotions could have been anger that was met with anger. For instance if your parent, who is much bigger than you and responsible for your well-being, gets angry back at you… and doesn’t explain or have a talk after to diffuse the situiation. You may learn anger is not safe.

Or when you felt scared or uncomfortable in a social setting as a kid. Example, you were scared for your first day of school as it was unknown and uncomfortable. This unknown created anxious energy in your body. If you had no tools or didn’t feel safe describing how you felt. That energy just lives in your body and is now associated with an unpleasant experience. You start to learn anxious energy means I do not feel safe. Anything new or unknown is not safe.

The magic is when we can reparent ourselves to sit in the grief, anger, fear, anxious energy. The emotion/feeling/sensation naturally only lives up to 90 seconds in our body. But as we avoid or reactivate, it can feel like an eternity. The magic is when you can just observe without judgement your sensations in your body. Expierence the uncomfortable emotions.

So simple, yet can feel extremely difficult as I'm on day 4 of running 😳. I still run, but the awareness is there. I now see how I run towards busy and being productive when uncomfortable feelings or emotions come up. For now I will just honour my process of running and keep bringing forward tools or space to sit with the uncomfortable emotions. Being gentle with myself as best I can along the way.