I Broke Myself
In March of 2022 I broke myself. My intuition took me down an unexpected path. I knew when I signed up for Inner Voice For Business, I was joining with the intention of releasing the grief that kept surfacing.
I trusted my inner knowing had my back. So, I followed without question.
I fully embraced the journey of following my inner knowing. Grief was coming up often and it felt important to have support as I accessed it. I assumed my journey would be the same as before. Accessing my grief from a conscious experience. Instead, what I experienced was a full embodiment of grief. As I accessed my inner child through both Compassionate Inquiry and Inner Voice sessions, I was taken down a path of old and deeply wounded grief. My inner knowing slowed me down into a full embodiment of depression. Depression comes up when we have been pushing past our feelings, not slowing to give them space to be felt, seen and acknowledged. This space of slow felt uncomfortable. It was uncomfortable to be in it. It was uncomfortable for people to watch me in it. I felt I needed to get out as fast as possible. People around me wanted me to get out of it as fast as possible. Good meaning people suggested medication. But I had a deep knowing that was not my truth. That would be a disservice to the journey I was on. And in the depth of slowing, anger rose in me. A deep burning I didn’t know I had. She emerged as I slowed. This burning was a knowing that this was unacceptable. I was giving away all of me in service of others. I had pulled back my gifts. I pulled back the ways I was bringing myself joy. I was just focusing on showing up and being in service of others. I was showing up how I thought I should be, instead of how I needed to for me.
This broke me. It has stopped me hard in my tracks. It broke the grinder in me. She finally pushed and pushed until I broke. I found my rock bottom. And I knew I had nothing left. I had nothing left and so started the steps to course correct. I took this misaligned path to a dead end and it was time to course correct and find a new direction. Hitting the dead end meant I felt I had nothing to lose.
So here I sit with fated change unfolding with the 2022 eclipse season and I feel ready. Ready to ask for what I need in my relationships. Open to my relationships rising to my needs or crumbling to make space for what I need. Totally imploding at work. After hitting rock bottom, I don’t have it in me to push myself to show up at a job where the pace at work feels so out of alignment. I love my coworkers and my company. I have never felt more seen and understood at work and yet I have never shown up less.
So fated change in 2021 appeared to be accessing my grief. In 2022 it appears to be truly asking and creating space to receive what I desire without hesitation. And honouring where I’m truly at.
Where I am truly at is burnout. I am stressed from pushing myself to be something that started to feel out of alignment since 2014. I have used my tools to overcome one burnout after the next. I need slow, I need time for me. Right now, I feel a deep calling to pull back my energy. An isolation in a way, cocooning before my rebirth.
I believe we all need time for us. We are so fixed on consistent income and growth. We build our lives around consistent income and growth until we can’t see any other way. We have built material worlds around us that ask us to consistently show up at work and consistently override that internal request for a break. We tell ourselves we don’t have time. Yet crave more than a few holidays each year to reset. Why? Because we are meant to flow with the seasons. Fall and winter are a time that asks us to slow down. Yet we push forward at the same pace and wonder why we continually feel that deep exhaustion.
In honour of this, I am taking stress leave or just a leave of absence at my 9-5 job. I am burnt out. I am exhausted. It is terrifying to even consider this as I have a protective part of me that fears that this appears weak. My protective part is disappointed I don’t just quit to save my pride. However, it comes, my body needs a full-on stop! It needs time to reset and get clear on what the next best steps are for me. But I need to fully reset my nervous system and to support that, quitting feels harsh. I am opening myself up to receive support. I am opening myself up to being honest about my capacity. I have grinded out all my gears and I have nothing left.
I need a rest. I need a chance to stop living on adrenaline. Adrenaline that I keep hitting myself with during the day, that then floods my system, affecting my sleep at night. It is time for a reset. It is time I prioritized myself and what my nervous system needs.