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Feel the Fear and Do it Anyways

I am just taking baby steps as an author. In 2021 I coauthored the book Motherhood Diaries. The writing came very easy, eventhough my intuitive topic was about poop. The words flowed so easily and I wrote my short story in one sitting.

I was very nervous to share my vulnerable story about constipation. My story with constipation is rooted in my need for control.

~constipation energetically is about wanting to stay in control. Assuming if we don’t keep a tight grip on ourselves and life, how life might unfold with be catastrophic (maybe a little melodramatic, but our brains are divas and typically assume the worst). So as we work to stay on top of everything we restrict our ability to release… aka, let things unfold. ~

My constipation came as I dove into the uncontrollable world of motherhood. Where you get a front row pass to your babies unfolding that will challenge you like nothing else in your life.

My bodies reaction to that front row pass was a woman on the surface trying to “just let things unfold” while internally white knuckling life and also my poop. Not able to relax and allow things to unfold I found myself suffering physically as I tried to hold onto the concept of control. And therefore also holding onto my poop!

Later in 2021 I started to feel called to write again. I asked for guidance on what I should be writing about? I knew motherhood would likely be part of what I shared, but the message that came forward to me loud and clear was depression.

I had definitely felt like I spent many days on the struggle bus trying to navigate my feelings around motherhood. So I took the guidance as a sign I needed to write about the lows I was experiencing as a mother. When I reflect back on those lows, I would not label them good or bad. The lows were just times when I finally slowed enough to offer my feeling a chance to experience an emotion other than exhausted joy. The slow offered me the space I needed to mourn “Amber before kids”. I thought I should only be joyful when I stepped into motherhood. Now knowing grief is also a very real part of the transition into motherhood. I understand that the lows also need love and space to be experienced. That as mothers when we depress, slow down, stop trying to stay ahead of the tsunami that is the unpredictableness of children. And in that slow let those emotions have a space to be released. That is powerful stuff and very valid part of the transition into motherhood.

And writing about this scared the sh*t out of me. Who wants to hear about my lows? Who wants to hear about my story at all? How can sharing my story be helpful to anyone else?

Well, I don’t know if anyone will read my story once I’m finished and I don’t know if it will help anyone else to read my words. But, I do know that the journey has been healing for me.

I have learned through this experience that “the thing“ you think is really scary is all just beliefs. If I let my fears about writing stop me, I would have felt safe. But I would have missed out on the year of reflecting and healing that has unfolded because I felt the fear and did it anyways.

And here is the thing, those lows are not my whole story. There is also beautiful highs. Writing this book I also get to celebrate the wins of motherhood. I get an opportunity to celebrate myself and let that gratitude be healing as well.

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